One Year With Mabel

And just like that, I blinked my eyes and my baby turned one. I don’t even know where to begin with writing this, because in so many ways this year has been the longest and hardest year of my life, but in other ways, I look back on it with rose coloured glasses and realize that it was such a short season of life for such a huge, beautiful gain. One year with our sweet little girl has been such a joy and blessing and I don’t take it for granted for one second.

Becoming her mama was the biggest thing I have ever experienced. It’s amazing to look back and see how drastically she has changed over the course of a year because she physically grew, emotionally grew, and mentally grew, and those changes unfolded right before my eyes. But what about me – how have I grown? It was impossible to see how that yet another multiple-feed night resulting in tears by 10 amwas changing me. Or how that little hand resting on my hand was changing me. Or how that choking scare ten days in was changing me. Or how those cheerful little cries for “mum-mum-mum” was changing me. But when I stand back and look at who I was a year ago compared to who I am today, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with gratitude for who this little girl has changed me to be. The days were long and often hard, the growing pains were definitely painful, and the self-doubt and insecurity of growing into a mama was very real. Yet here I am, someone’s mom, feeling more like myself again than I imagined I ever would. In fact, feeling more like myself then I have actually ever felt before.

And what about us? How have we grown? You often hear that throwing a baby into the mix only complicates things in your relationship, and while there have definitely been moments where that feels so painfully true, in more ways, this little girl has taught us how to love a little harder. How to have a little more compassion. A little more understanding. How to be a little more honest. Watching my husband become a father has ripped my heart open so many more times over this past year than it has closed it off. Don’t get me wrong, living in a state of overtired, being constantly needed, and having your understanding of yourself turned over on the daily definitely becomes a recipe for resentment to brew to the surface. But together, we chipped away at honouring our feelings and being honest about them – to each other and with each other. It has been amazing to see our relationship grow alongside our baby.

Perhaps one of my favourite things about this year has been witnessing her firsts. The first time she sat in a swing. The first time she swam in a pool. The first time she flew on an airplane. Obviously, with a new little being on the planet, its inevitable that she will have a ton of firsts and I feel blessed that I got to experience her joy and wonder alongside her as they came along. They say that becoming a parent will do that to you – that you get to see the world again through a new set of eyes. They said it, but once again, you don’t really fully believe it until you’re in it and realize that they were true.

And with every first also comes a last. The last time she fell asleep in my arms. The last time she needed me to carry her to another spot to play. The last time she jumped in her jumper. The last time she relied on me to nurse her before laying her little head down for the night. Of course, we don’t always realize that it’s a last until the moment is passed. Maybe that’s a good thing or we’d never let it go. 

I can’t wait to continue witnessing her firsts and lasts. The end of the first year is not the end of those new beginnings and closed chapters. She will continue living firsts and lasts for the rest of her life and I am so grateful that I have the honour of experiencing them alongside her. I can’t wait to see you grow into who you were made to be.

If there is anything I could leave with her, it would be this: thank you for growing with me and being patient with me as I learned (and am still learning) how to be your mama, sweet girl. I’m imperfect – nearly every moment of every day – but you inspire me to keep learning. You are determined. You are loving. You are independent. You are sweet. You are intentional. You are curious. You are hilarious. You are careful. You are perfect. You are mine and I will never take that for granted.

Happy first birthday, sweet Mabel Pearl. You are my joy.

To see how we celebrated (despite being in the middle of a quarantine), be sure to check out our birthday video on our Youtube channel.