Let’s Talk About Fear
Fear. We all have it in some form or another. Healthy fear is actually a really good thing. It leads us, guides us, reminds us, and directs us to make healthy and worthy choices. But what about when it’s not healthy?
The topic of fear hits really close to home for me. I have always been a worrisome person and I probably always will, but I’m embarrassed to admit how much control fear has over the choices I make and the way I live my life on a daily basis. It dictates how I engage in my relationships and how I parent. It controls the thoughts I have about myself and the way that I sleep. It impacts my perception of others and the activities I do (or don’t do). When fear becomes unhealthy, it consumes.
One of my biggest fears is the vulnerability in failure and my perception that I will bring disappointment to the ones who love me most. For as far back as I can remember, this has always been one of my most deeply rooted fears. As a child, I devoted myself to striving for stellar grades, focussing more on the resulting mark than the joy of actually learning. As a teenager, a fight with a friend would leave me heartbroken and fearful of abandonment, so I quickly learned how to adapt my words and behaviours to avoid conflict, often sacrificing my own truth and honesty in the process. Even in my marriage now - a place I feel most secure and content - I still get struck with a sense of shame when my husband (lovingly) wants to discuss something that could make our relationship and family stronger. My deeply rooted fear of the vulnerability in failure and the resulting perception that I will bring disappointment to the ones who love me has manifested into an incredibly unrealistic expectation for perfection in myself.
Perfection is an allusion. But before I can expand on that, I have to say that I didn’t always know this to be true. In fact, it has only been in the past year that I have truly started to accept it. I want to tell you how this all broke down for me.
When I became a mother, my world was rocked, but not in the way you would think. We all understand that bringing a child into your world will change things. You know you will sleep less, you will worry more, you will need to devote more time and money to caring for them. You know your priorities will shift, as will the way you work, think, dream, eat, and love. I felt prepared for those changes and I understood that I would need to adapt to meet them. But up until that point, my perfectionism shielded me from taking many risks - instead, I stayed in the fast lane of the things I knew I could be perfect at, the things that I was already good at, the things I could control. Little did I know, motherhood would not be one of them.
Motherhood hit me so hard. For the first time, I felt so utterly out of control of every single thing. Every day felt like another opportunity to lose. I thought that being a mother would come naturally to me and that I would be so overtaken with the love I had for my child that I would make incredible choices, easily understand her needs, and be patient, careful, and kind. Instead, I found myself anxious every morning I woke up, utterly confused, so overwhelmed that I thought my head would pop off, and constantly competing for my own attention. I resented being home all day, resented my husband for not, and resented myself for thinking I would be good at this. Perfection in motherhood was an ideal always out of reach - and not just by an arms length.
It was only once I realized that perfection as a mother was an allusion that I started to enjoy being one. It wasn’t such a simple process though. My life of striving for perfection made it really hard for me to let go of the reigns, feel the discomfort of self-doubt, and truly learn to trust that I was still lovable and worthy by my husband and daughter even when I wasn’t perfect. It took becoming a mom to realize I had been carrying the weight of a perfect ideal on my shoulder for all these years. Because for once, I couldn’t ignore, quit, or hide from the things I didn’t feel good at. I had to embrace it, learn from it, and keep moving forward.
I’d like to say that I’m a recovered perfectionist, but the reality is that I’m not. The fears that reinforce that monster in me still live deep down there and probably always will. But instead of hiding behind it, I’m trying my best to confront it in any big - or seemingly small - way that I can. I’ve been trying to be really intentional about pushing myself out of my comfort zone to face it in ways that I can manage. Sharing about it here is one of those.
It’s hard to be vulnerable, but being honest about what drives us, both good and bad, can be liberating. I created this space to share my passion for finding the joy in the little things and facing our fears on a daily basis is a little thing. There is joy to be found there. In the failures, in the victories, and in the messy in-between.
I hope you’ll join me.
