The Three Lessons Every Toddler Parent Should Know
Insisted on wearing these boots on the most humid day of the season so far.
It’s hard for me to admit this, but parenting does not come naturally to me. I deeply struggled in my transition to motherhood and would often catch myself muttering to my baby “I’m learning too.” Now, two years in to this gig, I definitely feel much more comfortable in who I am as a mom, but I wouldn’t particularly consider myself settled. I think that the unspoken reality of parenting is that you are in a constant state of winging it. It has been enjoyable to watch Mabel grow into a more independent toddler with a strong personality and more will to work at, play, and learn things on her own, but the toddler years definitely come with their own crop of hardships and questioning as a parent. It requires a lot of deep breaths, superhero levels of patience, and hyper-awareness of the little eyes that are always directed at you.
The other day I was thinking about the few lessons I have learned since becoming a mom and how the acceptance of these ideas has completely changed the outlook I have on my parenting experience. Some of these lessons were advice I was given before becoming a mom that didn’t make sense until they popped up in my experience. Other lessons, I have had to learn the hard way. But I figured I would share them here in case you are hoping to be a parent, are going to be a parent, are a parent, or want to encourage a parent you know. Because parenting is really hard and sometimes you just need to know that someone else is in the thick of it with you.
These lessons feel particularly applicable to the toddler years, but I’m sure I’ll find that they apply over and over again as my kid grows.
Lesson One: Pick Your Battles
This is a piece of advice that my own mom shared with me as I began my journey of motherhood and she told me that her mom passed it on to her. I’m glad I have it in the back of my mind to pull up when needed because no truer sentiment could exist in toddlerhood. As our kids are growing and learning new skills and ideas, they are constantly pushing the boundaries to see what their limits are. If we, as parents, fight back on every button they push, our entire day is going to be an explosion of tears (by all parties) and frustration.
I want to give Mabel the opportunity to explore and understand how to make her own choices. I have accepted that she is her own person with her own ideas and sometimes I must let go of my ideas of how things should happen in order for her to gain that independence. But it is so hard to let go as a parent. When situations of power-struggle occur (which is more often then I care to admit), I try to take a deep breath, remember this key statement, and quickly assess whether this is a battle that truly matters if I engage in. Yes, sometimes we show up to daycare with mismatched shoes, but at least we made it there.
Picking your battles is not an act of surrender to your kid’s every desire. It’s actually quite the opposite. It’s knowing when you should engage in order to hold a firm boundary or when safety is a concern. It’s understanding when it’s appropriate for your toddler to be in control of their choices and when you should be. It takes time to get a hang of, but I find a few deep breaths in the frustrating moments goes a long way in helping me make the right decision for the long term. Sometimes I end up picking battles I wished I hadn’t and sometimes I question if I let something go that I shouldn’t have. But over time, I have found that I am getting better at picking the right ones and letting the others slide off my back.
Lesson Two: Loving parenthood is not the same as loving your child.
This one I had to learn the hard way. Ever heard of mom-guilt? I have spent many, many moments feeling guilty over the fact that I often find parenting really frustrating, really hard, and really unenjoyable. Sometimes I resent the fact that I am so needed, so tired, so uninterested in a particular activity, or constantly pulled away from being a productive adult. And these moments of guilt easily spiral into broad conclusions about my abilities as a mother. I have spent many nights in tears over it!
I can’t remember exactly when it happened, but one time, while taking a nosedive deep into my regular cycle of negative thinking, I had a profound realization and acceptance of the fact that loving my role as a mother is not the same thing as loving my child. I have no doubt in my mind that I have the deepest possible love in the world for my sweet daughter. What I don’t always love is my identity as her mom. And that is completely unrelated to her. It is completely unrelated to my abilities and capacity for loving her. Coming to this realization set me free!
There are moments of parenthood that are the most satisfying, heartwarming, soul-touching experiences I am positive I will ever feel. But there are also moments that feel too heavy and overwhelming to bear. Coming to a place of accepting those difficult moments and their resulting feelings as your experience rather than a reflection of your love for you child can really help you let go of the crippling guilt. I find that I am able to enjoy my parenthood experience more these days by feeling confident that I am, in fact, a good mom because I simply love my kid, not because I love my role.
Lesson Three: Normalize Expressing Your Feelings.
This is the lesson I am currently still working the hardest at. When you think of toddlerhood, you most likely think of tantrums. Tantrums are definitely a reality of toddlerhood, but only because these little people are learning and experiencing a whole new crop of emotions that they are not yet able to express. Tantrums are often the result of experiencing big feelings.
Sometimes, in the thick of a toddler tantrum, I find myself feeling like a toddler myself. My daughter and I have very similar personalities and her tantrums often turn into a showdown between us that makes me want to scream, cry, stomp, run and hide, and shut down myself. Instead, I have been trying really really hard to model for her how to express her feelings by positively expressing my own. This admittedly doesn’t come naturally for me and I am far from perfect at it. I have always been one to passive-aggressively wear my feelings rather than directly communicate them. But becoming a mom to a toddler has drawn out this flaw in my own way of handling big feelings and given me the opportunity to establish a new (read: healthier) pattern of expressing my emotions.
In being intentional about expressing my feelings, I have given her the tools to express her own in a productive way. This includes helping her identify the feelings she may be having (“Was that frustrating for you? Do you feel afraid right now?”), sharing my own feelings (“Mommy is feeling overwhelmed right now so I’m just going to take a quick breather”), and not shying away from crying, shouting, or dancing with joy in front of her. I want her to see that all feelings (good and bad) are a natural part of being a human and that it’s ok to feel and express them, as long as it is done in a safe and healthy way.
I still have a long way to go in this area, but this lesson has helped me immensely over the past few months. I have seen a big difference in Mabel’s emotional intelligence too. She still has tantrums, but she is more easily able to identify how she is feeling (with some prompting) and willing to accept solutions or comforts that may help her (like holding my hand or requesting a hug) to move through the big feeling more quickly. I recommend following Big Little Feelings on Instagram if you want to learn more about this idea.
Sometimes our shoes are too big, but we just let that one go.
Helping Daddy wash Mommy’s car!
Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I’m grateful for the ways I have grown since becoming someone’s mom. I know I will always be learning and growing in this area, but I’m thankful that I have a daughter who loves me and forgives me, despite all my shortcomings. What are your biggest parenting lessons so far, toddler or otherwise? Is there anything that surprised you when you became a parent?
