Lessons From a First Trimester

It feels strange to be going back in time to the beginning of my pregnancy when I am currently in the final stretch, but I want to make sure that I keep track of the details, as I know how easily they can be forgotten. I didn’t know what to expect when it came to finding myself pregnant, but at the same time, I somehow felt like I would somehow know when that little life was formed. Like some form of woman’s intuition. Surely I would feel it.

It wasn’t true. I very genuinely did not feel it. In fact, I very genuinely did not suspect it – let alone believe it – at first. I had to take three pregnancy tests in one day in order to convince myself that the little sticks were not pulling my leg. And that was only after the insistence by my husband that surely I must be pregnant followed by him personally driving me to the drugstore to buy the first test after I shrugged off the idea. 

We weren’t planning or trying for a family, so the thought didn’t even cross my mind. But let me quickly clarify that even though we weren’t planning or trying does not mean that we didn’t want it to happen. I had stopped taking hormonal birth control a few years into our marriage because we knew we were in a place where it didn’t matter if it happened. We just didn’t suspect that it would without us planning or trying.

Either way, although surprised, we were thrilled. When I look back at it now, I wouldn’t have asked for it another way. As someone who does like to plan, prepare, think through, re-think through, and anxiously stew over every decision, I know that this was God’s way of blessing us with a gift that I never would have felt confident in my worthiness of asking for, planning for, trying for. Fear has a pesky way of dominating my decisions and this would have been no exception. In fact, as probably one of the biggest decisions in your life, fear would have destroyed me. 

I found out five weeks in. How could you not know? In retrospect, there were dozens of signs – nausea, racing heart, extreme hot flashes, extra naps on the couch, everything I ate tasting sour, and of course, a consistently high basal temperature (did I mention that tracking was my form of “birth control”?) – but when you don’t suspect something, it’s easy to overlook the signs. But then once you do know, it feels impossible to hide the signs.

I had some spotting early on, which paralyzed me. Doubt, fear, and anxiety all crept in. I began convincing myself that because I hadn’t specifically asked for this gift, surely I couldn’t be upset if it was unexpectedly taken from me. I cried a lot and I prayed a lot. No doubt this was the start of motherhood, as my own mom has always said that becoming a mother was when she truly learned the power of prayer. 

Then the morning sickness hit. Eight straight weeks of throwing up every single day, not to mention intense aversions to food and smells. I’d lay in bed desperate to eat something but also too tired to move. As soon as I did, I’d run straight to the bathroom. Guilt crept in. I hated feeling so ill and unlike myself, but how could I let myself complain? If I did, surely this gift would be taken from me, because I would prove myself ungrateful. I cried a lot and I prayed a lot. 

The exhaustion is unexplainable until you experience it. It is unlike any other form of exhaustion. Everything felt heavy – body, eyes, feet, mind. I started slowing down at work and felt so dependent on other people to help me carry through. That’s when the fear of vulnerability crept in. I cried a lot and I prayed a lot.

Thankfully, many of the unpleasantries of the first trimester slowly diminished as I made my way into the second, but I learned a lot of things during those early weeks. I learned the power of letting other people help you when you need it. My husband prayed me through many moments of self-doubt and fear, watching me cry and being patient with my self-dramas. I learned the power of vulnerability, by admitting that I couldn’t do this on my own and asking people to pray for me when I needed it. This isn’t something that I easily do, but I’m so glad I did. I learned the power of trusting myself and my body – that I was given this child and that I was worthy of carrying it, even when I didn’t feel strong or prepared. 

Those first few months were foundational. I know that they were the first step in preparing me for what is ahead. I know that I need to take those lessons and experiences and apply them to my entire journey, not just my pregnancy, birthing, and mothering one. Vulnerability, prayer, trust in myself and in God – those are all extremely important elements to embrace, especially so that my daughter can grow and learn to do the same.

I can already tell that this is going to be a wild ride.